…unlike me.

I currently drive a Ford Focus – about 10 years old. I like it. It exhibits more intelligence than any car I’ve driven previously, and, going by my recent experiences, more intelligence than me.

About a month ago, I noticed that when I got in to the car and turned it on, the time displayed was roughly the time that I’d last left the car, as if the clock had stopped at that point. “Hmmm…that’s weird…” Prior to that, I’d noticed a few intermittent warning lights that came and went. This is kind of like the scenes early in a disaster movie or horror film. You know:

“Mistress Johnson’s cow gave birth to a calf with two heads, and the whippoorwills and sceraming every night….it be a portent, I tell ye….”

or

“For some days there was a stench of sulphur that hung around the area of the extinct volcanic vent. There were spurts of hot mud coming from the nearby swamp, and at night the faintest rumbling could be heard…”

We know that soon Mistress Johnson’s calf will be the least of his worries, and that the extinct volcanic vent will soon…not be extinct.

And so it was for me. I ignored the warnings, drove to Church on Sunday, worshipped the Lord and after the traditional Anglican sacrament of coffee and biscuits left to drive home. I pressed the magic button on my car dashboard and….pretty lights blossomed from the dashboard – Immobiliser failure, ABS failure, Engine failure, hamster fallen off his wheel…the lot.

And somewhere in this Christmas tree display was a little red light showing a battery.

And the warnings all made sense. Ooops. Never mind – it’s embarrassing but I’m covered by the RAC through my car insurance. AND…I have a power pack ‘jump starter’ in the boot of the car. No worries. Let’s try that….

It was now VERY apparent that something bad was happening with the car electrics, as the when I tried to open the boot of the car (electrical….) nothing happened. Now, you can get in to the boot through the back seats of the car, so some fumbling and fiddling and I was able to recover the jump starter. And it’s (very short) leads.

Oh…did I mention it was raining?

Sitting back in the front seat of the car I started to feel a heady sense of confidence. This feeling was wholly unwarranted, as I found when I turned the power bank on to be confronted by 1 light out of 4 on the charging status display. Ahhh…yes…these things need charging occasionally.

So…RAC it is. Got my phone out…20% battery left. OK – should be enough. Attempted to place call and….how the f**k can I be within 2 miles of the city centre and barely get a signal? So, out of the car, wandered up the hill a little, and managed to get a call through to the RAC explaining my position (literally and metaphorically). We couldn’t decide whether it was Immobiliser or the battery so we decided to go with battery, and I was told that I’d receive texts keeping me informed about progress.

20% was now down to 15%, and it was clear that the car wasn’t the only mechanism in the area experiencing ‘parasitic current drain’.

It was clear that it was only a matter of time before the phone was as dead as the car. Sitting inside the car, rain on the outside, steam from my breath and condensation on the inside, I kept having flashbacks to watching ‘Apollo 13’.

I suddenly realised that I had gone from a sense of confidence about my car and the progress of my day to being totally at the mercy of when the RAC would get to me. A text message home along the lines of ‘Car battery dead. Phone battery dying. I may be some time’ had a little of the Scott of the Antarctic about it.

And in that quiet wait I started pondering. Where had it all gone wrong. Well…..

• Ignoring the unexpected intermittent warning lights.
• Ignoring the odd behaviour of the radio.
• Failing to make sure that my phone was charged before going out
• Failing to ensure that the power-pack jump starter was charged up.
• No jump leads in the car – whilst waiting I did have an offer of a jump start.
• No snacks or blanket in the car for comfort.
• Nothing to read apart from the car manual…

Not at all well prepared – my only excuse is that I was never a Boy Scout or member of the Boy’s Brigade.

The RAC DID arrive and determined that the battery was down to 7 volts. They charged me up, I got home, had the battery replaced and promised to myself to take the lesson on board.

5 days ago the radio started losing time.

On Sunday morning I went out to the car to go to church. It refused to start….

Ah well…..here we go again….